Amid the stacks of Christmas cards and catalogues, I received an unMerry Christmas notice from the IRS, stating that back-taxes from 2009 were due by December 22nd.
Although I'm not contesting the bill, it seems that in the spirit of general good will, the IRS should put a moratorium on due dates for the whole month of December. It's just mean...and for me, it means that the greater part of my friends and relatives will now be enjoying an "Imagination Christmas."
Imagination Christmas: Scenario 1
"Now, family, pretend that you are holding a beautifully wrapped box. Inside that box is the gift you'd like most...now hold onto that feeling and get me some ham."
Imagination Christmas: Scenario 2
"A Mime-It-Out Christmas"
"Now, children, pretend as though you have that object you really desire in your hand. What does it feel like? How does it move? Is it heavy? Now imagine the government taking that from you. Use your body to express how you feel. That sucks, doesn't it. Now...go get me some ham."
Imagination Christmas: Scenario 3 - this really happened.
"Dear Mia, I didn't get it shipped in time but I want you to know...I got you an iPad 2 for Christmas. And I paid for a full year of 3G access. I really love you."
"Really?! Oh my God! Thanks Jess, Wow. I really love it. Really?"
"Haha. Not really. Merry Christmas, Loser."
To be honest, dashing my sister's dreams in so dramatic a fashion almost makes my impending poverty worth it. Without the intervention of the IRS, it is likely that I would have gone the easy route and actually purchased her an iPad 1 and simply put it in an iPad 2 box (Cal kids don't know the difference.) My pennilessness pushed me into being a better, meaner big sister. What else can it do for me?
Now...Decorating and cookies is just not really my bag, but the other day Tristan looked at me with his wide eyes and said, "I want to decorate this house so that everyone in the street will say, 'Nobody does Christmas like the Atkins Family does Christmas.'" Now, I don't know where he got this from as everybody, in fact, does Christmas better than the Atkins Family. But fuelled by his 7-year-old elitism and my own need to overcompensate, I'm going to spend the next 2 days making it the best, cheapest Christmas ever.
The mission, in five parts:
1. Decorate the front door and yard for maximum showing off of Christmas spirit.
2. Send out cards (to arrive BEFORE New Year's for the first time EVER) with charming kid photos.
3. Figure out how to give nice Christmasy gifts to family and friends with zero dollars.
4. Make the paltry presents under the tree look rich and voluminous.
5. Make up some fake "family traditions" to tie it all together.
